I’ve Been Holding Back

Unfortunately, like so many of you reading out there, I struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t talk about it much, and as I am looking back through some recent blog posts I am noticing I’m not talking about myself or much at all, really. I knew that posting each day of the year would be a hard task, but I am still committed to it – it’s just that I am starting to see that I temporarily lost track of the reason I started this blog in the first place – to say whatever I want.

I’ve been holding back I guess, because I am just like that, in real life. One of the biggest issues I have with my mental health is the fact that I hide it so well from my friends, family, and coworkers. I always do my best to put on a good appearance and not worry anyone with what is going on in my mind – I compulsively hide my true self and my feelings. Even here online, it seems.

I guess that makes me a pretty hard person to know.

I feel like at work I am an entirely different person. When I started working at The Restaurant I made a conscious decision to not share more than absolutely necessary about my private life. None of my coworkers know that I write books and blog every day, none of them know I’m a smoker, none of them know what I do on my days off, none of them know about my mental health issues. They probably just see me as nice, and quiet, and shy. I am actually none of those things.

I don’t know why I do this. It’s not even that I am trying to be someone else – I’m just trying to hide who I am. I suppose it has to do with my long history of really bad friends and having my entire sense of self skewed to the point of unrecognizability. Which isn’t a word, but I’m going with it.

I’m having a strange/hard time lately. It’s a long story that deserves parts so I guess they will come. I have to remember, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a safe place for me, this is my safe place to come and say what is on my mind and where I can be who I am.

Do you guard yourself, or feel safe in blogland? It’s such a weird place to be…


10 thoughts on “I’ve Been Holding Back

  1. I have found blogland to be both a safe haven and a place of true healing. 2013 was something of a horror year for me – big bad life events, multiple hosptalizations, numerous medication changes, massive side effects including hypertension and weight gain … not fun! I was also feeling very socially isolated because the dearly beloved and I had moved to a new city relatively recently and I had been working very hard ever since. I thought I had made some friends here, but it turned out most of them were definitely fair weather friends only 😦 As I am beginning to recover, I have discovered a really great mental health community here on WordPress. There are some people I feel very close to – they notice when I haven’t been around for a few days, check in, etc. So for me, blogland is wonderful! … but I never thought I’d be the sort of person who lived most of their social life online. “Such is life.”

  2. This is the first step right here. I bet it resonates with so many others. It’s difficult to put your naked, dark truth out there. But people are listening. They need to hear what you have to say. Sometimes I think I need two blogs- my humorous one (for the most part) and my raw one. Not that the lighter one isn’t me because oh yes it is. But I guess many of us have that closeted mainstream unaccepted facet we are hesitant to put out there.

    • I have a dark dirty secret that I’ve only shared with my therapist. It’s keeping me from writing true, but I’m afraid to out it in case my anonymity doesn’t hold up, which isn’t something you can count on.. Le sigh.. what to do..

  3. You have the beauty of anonymity. It’s totally fine (and maybe even best!) that real life folk don’t know you have a blog. That means you can speak freely here. I still suggest randomizing names and not simply ranting about things because it’s just not in good taste to do otherwise. What makes writing about yourself interesting is that people get to know and care about you and in return you get to realize how many people struggle with similar things as you. Dive in and bring us along. You’ve got my interest.

  4. I feel safe posting what I want and being completely honest, but only because I don’t use my real identity.

    I know I appreciate other writers who don’t hold back. Just the fact that you recognize that you are holding back is a step in the right direction.

    Happy Blogging!

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