Unfortunately, like so many of you reading out there, I struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t talk about it much, and as I am looking back through some recent blog posts I am noticing I’m not talking about myself or much at all, really. I knew that posting each day of the year would be a hard task, but I am still committed to it – it’s just that I am starting to see that I temporarily lost track of the reason I started this blog in the first place – to say whatever I want.
I’ve been holding back I guess, because I am just like that, in real life. One of the biggest issues I have with my mental health is the fact that I hide it so well from my friends, family, and coworkers. I always do my best to put on a good appearance and not worry anyone with what is going on in my mind – I compulsively hide my true self and my feelings. Even here online, it seems.
I guess that makes me a pretty hard person to know.
I feel like at work I am an entirely different person. When I started working at The Restaurant I made a conscious decision to not share more than absolutely necessary about my private life. None of my coworkers know that I write books and blog every day, none of them know I’m a smoker, none of them know what I do on my days off, none of them know about my mental health issues. They probably just see me as nice, and quiet, and shy. I am actually none of those things.
I don’t know why I do this. It’s not even that I am trying to be someone else – I’m just trying to hide who I am. I suppose it has to do with my long history of really bad friends and having my entire sense of self skewed to the point of unrecognizability. Which isn’t a word, but I’m going with it.
I’m having a strange/hard time lately. It’s a long story that deserves parts so I guess they will come. I have to remember, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a safe place for me, this is my safe place to come and say what is on my mind and where I can be who I am.
Do you guard yourself, or feel safe in blogland? It’s such a weird place to be…