My Secret: I Was the Other Woman

truenobilityI’ve started and stopped this post countless times today – there is no good way to segue into what I have to share, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I want to share a secret on this blog – I want to open and candid and honest and true – and I can’t do that without being completely honest for the first time in my life about something:

I slept with my best friend’s husband. And not just once.

I was the other woman.

Oh my god, it’s out. Are you still there?

I’ve never told anyone that before besides my therapist – I am too ashamed.

I came very close to not sharing this on here because I just picture all of the women who I’ve commented with and come to know over the past few months turning their heads away from me and unfollowing my blog without a second thought because I am THAT WOMAN.

That woman that you probably hate and are scared of and wish didn’t exist.

I am her.

I did this.

And every day since I’ve struggled with guilt and shame and self loathing so deep its nearly driven me to suicide – because I can’t bare sharing my truth with anyone – because all this guilt and shame are too much, sometimes, to bear.

I did a terrible thing. Repeatedly. I lost friendships over it. I lost myself over it.

I try to listen to my therapist when he tells me that I’m not a terrible person.

“You did a thing you aren’t proud of, what some might say was a bad thing, but you aren’t a bad person because of it.”

And I wonder every day if he is right, because I just can’t get over this.

I don’t want to go into any details about the affair – it’s not fair to anyone involved, whether they will ever read this or not. It’s been over and done with for over a year now and I just want to put it behind me but I can’t let go of all the emotions and all this guilt and shame for what I did.

I need to be able to write about it. I need to be able to get it out of me – finally.

I did a terrible thing, and I think I’m a terrible person because of it. I am telling this story now so you can make your own decisions about me – I’m being honest now so that down the road no one can call me a liar or a fake.

In the real world, in my real life, this secret’s staying safe, but here in blogland I want to be true to myself. I want to be able to write about the things that are really on my mind, and how can I possibly do that if I am holding this terrible thing back? How will anyone understand my depression without knowing how I got here?

Most importantly, will anyone care? Probably not. Probably some of you are turning away from me now, thinking, whore.

It’s okay, that’s how I feel. Like less than nothing.

But maybe some of you out there will agree with my therapist – that I did a horrible thing but I’m not a horrible person – and maybe some of you could help me believe that, if you are so inclined.

I can’t believe I’ve written this post, I can’t believe I’m sharing it. I feel like I’m stepping up to a firing squad, I have no idea what to expect. But I’m scared of being this honest – it’s terrifying, actually.

I started this blog to be honest – tactless but true. Some may hate me for it, but by God here I am doing it. Being honest. For the first time.

Here I am. Just a woman trying to learn and grow and make up for all her mistakes – just trying to move on with my life – just trying.

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26 thoughts on “My Secret: I Was the Other Woman

  1. You are not a horrible person. A horrible person would not regret so deeply something they had done which had hurt others. A horrible person wouldn’t be driven by shame to the point of considering suicide.
    Instead, you’re a human being – a normal human being, as wonderful and frail as the rest of us. You made a choice, and it turned out not to be the best choice you could have made.
    I could share some of my “not the best” choices with you. Would that help? Maybe, maybe not; but a comment probably isn’t the forum for doing that.
    I hope that typing this helps you work through some of your guilt and come out the other side.
    XX

  2. Sometimes you just can’t help who you fall in love / like / lust with. I’ve been there, only I didn’t know he was married until someone else told me after we’d been together 2 months :/ I still feels guilty but it doesn’t crush me anymore.
    You’re not a horrible person, you made a mistake. It takes two to tango and you can’t punish yourself forever 🙂

    • It takes two, that’s something my therapist said that I always brushed off, knowing I always could have walked away.. thanks for pointing that out…thanks for being here.

  3. I hope you feel some sense of relief being able to share something that so clearly haunts you. It would actually be really interesting to hear a well-written, well-thought-out blog/essay on what it’s like to be the other woman. So often we only hear the side of the typical victim and not the side of the person who is made out to be the villain.

    Everyone has done things they aren’t proud of. It’s how you handle mistakes after the fact that is the truest test of character.

    • I feel a great amount of relief, you have no idea. I don’t know whether I will write more in depth about it in the future.. I might.. I might not. Every day in every way I’m trying to be a better person. It’s a rocky road.

  4. Now that it’s out there, you can breathe a little easier. I believe there are very few “bad people” in the world. But people do make bad decisions, make bad mistakes. That’s what makes us human. I think there are very few people you can point out and say, “Now that’s a bad person.” I’m trying to remember how my therapist put it to me when I complained of being a “bad person.” Moving on from traumas of the past, things I did that I’m not proud of, I’d have to say that while I sometimes still feel like a “bad person,” I know that is not entirely true. I have done and said bad things. I am not bad. And neither are you, Janie, dear. Good for you for putting yourself out there. Sometimes this shit is just really really hard, but you’re doing it.

    • Thanks Rose. It’s really hard to deal with all of the thoughts and feelings – really hard to see it from an outsider’s perspective who’s saying “you’re not a bad person.” I just mean, it’s hard to not feel that way sometimes even if people all around you are telling you it isn’t true. That’s what I am working on now, working on believing that.

  5. Hey I’m sure we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. I did some terrible things.. And being honest about it, is what helped me forgive myself for it. The sooner you forgive yourself the easier it will be.. Ain’t not turning away here.. You’re being honest, you’re being real. People can’t deal with that? Their loss, I say. We’ve just witnessed the beginning of a transformation in you! Lol enough with the philosophical talk. chin up. And smile that gorgeous smile.

  6. I agree with everyone else. You have to forgive yourself.

    Now that it is out there, you can step away and start to heal. That is the whole point of being honest. At least that is what I try to do.

    You did a great thing here today, and I think you can see that we are all behind you.

    Great job!

  7. I want to commend you for writing this, letting it out, being true. Do you know how brave you are? Like I told you before, I’ve thought about creating a second blog just to write about the dark stuff.

    We have all made mistakes. And I can relate. I’ve not been perfect in my life either. There were times I too wanted to walk into the alligator-infested pond with stones in my pockets.

    But we have to eventually forgive ourselves. Let it go.

    If you could ever go there, I would also love to read your account about being the “other woman”. People find it so easy to judge. There are two sides to every story. And there is love, heartache, and loss on both sides.

    You can’t control what others will think about you. But you can control how you think about yourself. It’s not easy. Thank you again for barring your soul to all of us who are just as human.

    • Thank you Jenifer, it means a lot to be called brave, no matter what the reason is. It feels good to have ANY good come out of sharing this, and the total support has felt amazing. Better than therapy!

      I’m not sure when I will write about this again, maybe soon, but I don’t know where to begin, really. Stay tuned, I guess!

  8. More than one wonderful person I love has been “the other woman.” I have also cheated on long-term partners, bringing “another man” into my relationship. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t regret it, because I learned so much. Honestly, I was doing the best I could at the time. How else do we move forward but to run, fall, and then pick ourselves back up, with a renewed sense of balance? *hugs*

    • Yes, moving forward is an awkward, mostly graceless thing. Thank you for sharing that with me, it honestly makes me feel better knowing there are more of me out there. I know there are millions of other women out there, but it feels very alone with no one to talk about it with.

  9. It takes a hell lot of guts to write something like this. I don’t have anything new to tell you, just engage yourselves in things you want to do, for example, writing. Coming out of it will just make you a better person and who knows, may be a couple of years later, it won’t affect you anymore. 🙂

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