Downhill Fast

Unfortunately for you, this isn’t one of those nights where I’m going to post a photo or a poem and then skulk off to my room and avoid blogging.

Unfortunately for you, I’m going to be totally honest and say that I’m a total mess – sort of a numb, unfeeling all but despair mess. For all the usual reasons. Being broke. Not being able to pay bills. Being alone. Being lonely. Not writing.

toodepressed

All of those things, and more.

The truth is, I feel a bout of dark depression coming on and I am trying to fight it off and I think I’m losing the battle to keep it at bay.

I need to find something to grab onto that will pull me out of this and I am not sure what it’s going to be yet. Or maybe I will fall into it and this will become a bad place for a little while, I don’t know. When I’m depressed, the whole world is a bad place.

I hate mental illness. I hate being unable to control my emotions. This fucking sucks.

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4 thoughts on “Downhill Fast

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know too well where you are right now.

    Do you have anyone you can reach out to IRL?

  2. So sorry to hear things are on a downward trend. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. Mental illness in itself just sucks. You’re right, you need to find something to grab onto. It doesn’t matter much what it is that keeps you afloat, just that you keep floating. I know that when I’m not feeling well, I tend not to blog, even though I already know blogging makes me feel better. Hang in there, Janie girl. There are a lot of people out here rooting for you.

  3. As trite as this may sound, it may be worthwhile for you to visit a place of worship. Many times I have found a sense of community there that has helped me to start “looking out instead of in,” as Tennessee Williams so elegantly put it. Also, prayer can be a powerful thing. Even if you didn’t grow up attending synagogue or church, you should try it out. I’ve found everyone to be welcoming. (And if you do, please let me know how it goes!)

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