A Better Day

I had a better day today, when I finally rolled out of bed at one in the afternoon. That’s one of those things with me and depression – sometimes when I have nothing else to do I just sleep. I don’t TRY to be active or productive and do anything, I just stay in bed all day. This is probably not good for my overall health and sleep cycle, because I’m always up until midnight or one in the morning no matter what, and I know that I’m not probably getting enough sleep on a normal basis because of that.

But, I’m a night owl and I always have been and probably always will be. You have to drag my ass out of bed in the morning if god forbid I have to wake up before the sun rises, and there have been times when I’ve gotten up early and actually felt sick to my stomach and disoriented because of it. Like all of high school, for example.

Squido’s parent-teacher conference was today. That’s usually something I dread – meetings with teachers and her support staff. Squido has Pervasive Developmental Disorder and ADD. She used to have terrible behavioral problems and actually repeated kindergarten because she just hadn’t figured out how to get along with the other kids and behave in a classroom yet. It was terrible.

Now though, she is doing well in school, with her lowest grade an 83%, which I’m proud of, because I know she works a lot harder than all the other kids for her grades.

The theme of the meeting was: she doesn’t pay attention and she is very slow-going with her work. Well, duh, we do homework with her, we know this. It’s like pulling teeth to get homework done sometimes, and I honestly dread the chore of doing homework with her. I don’t know how homeschooling parents do it.

After the meeting I went to Jill’s and we had a Hell’s Kitchen marathon and then her boyfriend cooked a delicious dinner. I bought a pie for dessert but no one wanted it before I left so I took it home and now I fear I am going to eat the whole thing by myself. It’s apple crumb – my favorite – and it’s so delicious.

Therefore, I am going to watch more Supernatural, and probably eat another little piece of pie. Nom nom.

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Sometimes I Feel So…

sometimesifeelsodull

All I can’ think about is what I am going to write next – and thinking about it, and thinking about it – and not actually WRITING it because I don’t know where to begin and I don’t know where it goes or what it means. I just see little flashes of scenes and characters in my mind and I jot them down in a notebook and go back to daydreaming while I spend hours of my day online reading about other authors who have already published their own books and are living my dream.

It doesn’t exactly do much for the old mental health problems of mine – feeling this way, so stuck and stunted creatively, it’s very hard for me. It makes me have feelings of worthlessness that don’t coincide with a good day, so I haven’t had many good days lately, and so it goes.

But, on the other hand, I’ve also been spending too much time at home on this couch, alone. I haven’t been spending as much time with friends as I usually do – I haven’t been reaching out. I have to remind myself that interacting with other humans is important in the grand scheme of things – that’s what makes a life.

Work was good today, having coffee with Jill was great today, that BBQ chicken and mashed potatoes that I had for dinner was amazing today. Today was a good day. And now this task is done and I am getting back to watching yet another episode of Supernatural because after ignoring it for the last eight or so years I finally started watching it and now I can’t stop. So, more on that later.

Lazy Lazy Sunday

tylerknott1Tyler Knott is a writer I follow on Tumblr. He has a great blog, if you are into the poetry thing.

Another Lazy Sunday is what it was today. Got up late and made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast, which is a little weekend tradition for the Squido and I, they are a special treat for her. We spent most of the afternoon snuggling and having tickle fights on the couch and then went to a friend’s for dinner and so I could do laundry, because I don’t have a damn washer or dryer of my own.

It was freezing outside today. Butt cold.

Still down in the dumps, if you can’t tell. I’ve been reading blogs but haven’t been commenting much because I don’t feel like I have much to say – even now I want to apologize to anyone reading this, for wasting your time in coming here, because I’m just a blue girl in her blue world right now.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I will find something to say.

Downhill Fast

Unfortunately for you, this isn’t one of those nights where I’m going to post a photo or a poem and then skulk off to my room and avoid blogging.

Unfortunately for you, I’m going to be totally honest and say that I’m a total mess – sort of a numb, unfeeling all but despair mess. For all the usual reasons. Being broke. Not being able to pay bills. Being alone. Being lonely. Not writing.

toodepressed

All of those things, and more.

The truth is, I feel a bout of dark depression coming on and I am trying to fight it off and I think I’m losing the battle to keep it at bay.

I need to find something to grab onto that will pull me out of this and I am not sure what it’s going to be yet. Or maybe I will fall into it and this will become a bad place for a little while, I don’t know. When I’m depressed, the whole world is a bad place.

I hate mental illness. I hate being unable to control my emotions. This fucking sucks.

I’ve Been Holding Back

Unfortunately, like so many of you reading out there, I struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t talk about it much, and as I am looking back through some recent blog posts I am noticing I’m not talking about myself or much at all, really. I knew that posting each day of the year would be a hard task, but I am still committed to it – it’s just that I am starting to see that I temporarily lost track of the reason I started this blog in the first place – to say whatever I want.

I’ve been holding back I guess, because I am just like that, in real life. One of the biggest issues I have with my mental health is the fact that I hide it so well from my friends, family, and coworkers. I always do my best to put on a good appearance and not worry anyone with what is going on in my mind – I compulsively hide my true self and my feelings. Even here online, it seems.

I guess that makes me a pretty hard person to know.

I feel like at work I am an entirely different person. When I started working at The Restaurant I made a conscious decision to not share more than absolutely necessary about my private life. None of my coworkers know that I write books and blog every day, none of them know I’m a smoker, none of them know what I do on my days off, none of them know about my mental health issues. They probably just see me as nice, and quiet, and shy. I am actually none of those things.

I don’t know why I do this. It’s not even that I am trying to be someone else – I’m just trying to hide who I am. I suppose it has to do with my long history of really bad friends and having my entire sense of self skewed to the point of unrecognizability. Which isn’t a word, but I’m going with it.

I’m having a strange/hard time lately. It’s a long story that deserves parts so I guess they will come. I have to remember, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a safe place for me, this is my safe place to come and say what is on my mind and where I can be who I am.

Do you guard yourself, or feel safe in blogland? It’s such a weird place to be…