Is it Bedtime?

I keep nodding off on the couch, so what do I do? No, I don’t go to bed, I prop my eyes open and pick up my laptop so I can blog!

Yes, something seems wrong with that.

So, it’s been thirty-one days of straight blogging. Yay for me! I wish I had participated in NaBloPoMo so I could have had comrades on this daily post journey, but I came too late for that party.

It turns out, blogging every day is hard for me. It’s hard to come up with good, engaging posts each day, especially in the last week or so. Either life gets in the way, life is so boring there’s nothing to report, or I just don’t feel like it. Those are my main excuses for having a hard time. But, hard time, cop outs or not, I still blogged every day this month. I still got er done.

I think that I would benefit from having a set blog schedule, writing good posts ahead of time, and doing more challenges.

Also, I need to take better care of myself and get more sleep. I’m never very good at the sleeping like a normal person thing.

And now, with great dread and resentment… we face February.

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Zero To Hero

In my little world, I’m a zero, I am a nobody. I’m single, I don’t have a lot of friends, I’m straight up POOR, I’m overweight, and I’m just a waitress. To anyone looking at me from the outside, that’s all I am, and it isn’t much.

This is why Janie Doh was born.

I have been a blogger since the days of Livejournal when I was in high school (that’s over thirteen years ago, FYI), but for all of that time I was a scared blogger. I never felt comfortable sharing my true self to people who I knew personally, because I always thought so little of myself, and I never really thought that anything I wrote online – whether it be a blog post or a piece of fiction – was worth reading.

I have a problem seeing and feeling my own worth, is what I am trying to say. I see the negative parts of myself and seem to block out any of the good parts, not feeling like the good parts are real. It’s a terrible affliction, having no self confidence or sense of self worth. It’s part of depression, which I suffer from daily, which is a constant battle in my life and has been for some time.

But, in my own mind, I am a hero.

Because I am a writer who creates worlds.

My strings of words are bridges that carry me to other people, my sentences are limbs reaching out to you – to YOU – to anyone who will listen.

I created this blog to let my hero shine through.

Janie Doh is the girl who lives inside me, the smart, tough, capable and lovable one who no one has ever seen. She’s funny and brash, honest to a fault, and completely bat-shit insane. She laughs maniacally as she cuts herself in front of you and bleeds her words onto pages, for she demands to be seen. Her head is full of stories and dreams and I bet if you stick around, you could get lost in them.

I am already lost in Janie. I am already enchanted by the wide open possibilities of letting Janie speak.

What will it feel like to be totally honest about how I feel and who I am?

zero-to-hero-badgeThis post was written for the Worpress’s Zero to Hero: 30 Days to a Better Blog.

I am committed to blogging daily this year, which is great, because every time I come to the this space donning Janie’s shoes I feel more like a hero than a zero.

To anyone reading and commenting: THANK YOU. You make me feel good. Thank you for that.

My First Blogging Award!!

Guys, I can’t even. Samara, the amazeballs writer over at A Buick in the Land of Lexus, nominated me for my first ever blogging award today. I was shocked when she told me that she was nominating me for a blogging award, because I’ve only been at this space for three months and have barely even broken into the depths of WordPress yet, but I don’t care, I’ll take it.

sunshineawardThe Sunshine Award has a few rules, but because I am a rebel I am not going to follow all of them. Specifically I am not nominating eleven other bloggers, because awards should be special and not handed out all willy nilly, right? Or is that just my opinion? Anyway, I can think of a few bloggers who are special enough for this, but they will be named at the bottom.

The first step for receiving this award is to tell eleven facts about myself that I haven’t shared before. That will be easy, and I love lists! Here we go:

1.) When I was seventeen I was struck by lightning. Ok, it was a flash-by lightning strike. Lightning hit our house at the very instant I was turning on the clothes dryer, and the electricity went through the dryer and into me. It hit me in the legs below both knees and sent me flying a few feet into the air, which made me land and hit my head on a concrete floor, so I was also concussed as well as shocked. Fun times.

2.) My most major celebrity sighting was Nicolas Cage. He sat down next to me at Trash in NYC and looked over at the shoes I was trying on and said “Rad shoes,” and lifted his eyebrows, totally impressed. I bought the shoes.

3.) I hate snow, and if I didn’t have to share custody of my daughter I would move to a place where it never snowed. Now I live in Connecticut, which sucks because we’re supposed to get a foot of snow tomorrow, which is why this is on my  mind and so high on my list.

4.) I also hate bananas, and I will projectile vomit if one crosses my lips. The smell of them makes me want to barf, and I don’t allow them in my house or anywhere near me if possible.

5.) My daughter, Squid, had hip dysplasia when she was born. Her hips weren’t in their sockets, and that had to be corrected shortly after birth by a cast that she wore for four months – a cast that went from waist to ankle. It was a nightmare.

6.) I love my kid, but I hate pretty much everything about parenting. I often think I wasn’t cut out for this and feel bad that little Squid didn’t get the best mom in the world, and that I will have to do.

7.) If I don’t have coffee before 3pm I get killer headaches that will ruin the rest of my day. I am totally addicted to it and I don’t have any plans on giving it up.

8.) I have a sordid history with drugs and sex that I haven’t written about yet here, but plan to eventually. I just never have had a safe place to tell my stories and now I am starting to feel like I can.

9.) My favorite flavor in the world is pina colada – the combination of pineapple (my favorite fruit) and coconut bring me to my knees with their deliciousness, and I will always be THAT GIRL at the restaurant who has to order a frozen pina colada if they are on the menu.

10.) I write almost compulsively. When I’m not blogging, I am usually tinkering on a novel in progress or writing in my moleskine journal of the month. Yes, I’ve been known to fill a whole journal in a month with my ramblings to myself, mostly about the writing process.

11.) This blog is saving my life. Sometimes I think that putting on the mask of Janie Doh a couple of months ago was the best thing I could ever do for myself – it gives me a place to be myself without fear of judgement from people I know, and blogging really is better than therapy.

NOW. The second part of the Sunshine blog award states that I have to answer the eleven questions that Samara asked of me, so here we go with those questions…. you really are getting to know a lot about me today!

1. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning? I put my pants and socks back on – I can’t sleep with pants or socks on, it’s just wrong.

2. What is your greatest fear?  Death, no doubt. I have daily imaginings of my own death and sometimes it leads me to panic attacks, which is really not good.

3. Do you have a new years resolution for 2014? I have three. To blog daily, to write and publish a novel, and to quit smoking. All lofty-ass goals.

4. What is your favorite song at the moment? I am still really digging “Royals” by Lorde

5. What is your favorite childhood memory?  When I was a kid I used to go camping all the time with my grandparents – the times at the campground around the fire at night are definitely my favorite memories.

6. Facebook or Twitter? Neither!!  I’m going with Samara on this one, WordPress is where it’s at. Tumblr is very cool too.

7. What did the last text message you received say? “BOOOOOOOOO

8. What bugs you the most? People who chew with their mouths open.

9. What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house? The toilet. I would not be a happy camper without indoor plumbing.

10. If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be? “Float On” by Modest Mouse.

11. What’s your favorite movie quote?  Almost every other sentence of Fight Club.

Now, to nominate bloggers, this was hard for me. There was no way I was going to come up with eleven, so I’m going to nominate just two like Samara did. I nominate Kate from Kate Runs This because she is a rock star for getting through all the Reverb prompts in December, and Amy from Silver Linings Project, because she is just awesome and I love her attitude.

Blogging Intentions for the Year Ahead

The daily post today asks us what our goals are for the new year (because it’s never to early to set goals for ourselves.) This is true – goal setting is something that I do often even though I often fail. Failing at goals is sort of my thing, and yet I like to keep setting them – I like to always have something to reach for.

But, I am set in my ways and I save all of my yearly resolutions for December 31st. Today, I am going to think about my blogging goals and intentions. I like using “intentions” better than the word “goals” for some reason.  “I intend to do these things…” sounds better in my head than “I am setting a goal to…” even if they mean pretty much the same thing. Maybe it’s because I think goals are something we strive toward and intentions are some things that we carry with us all the time.

So, I just started this blog yesterday but I have another blog that I write under my real name that sort of disappoints me when it comes to the intentions I once had for it.

I am not going to lie, I want blog followers – I want readers. More than anything, I want a COMMUNITY. I feel very alone in my “real life” and when I come online I find a whole new world of people, and yet even online I’ve never really found myself a community, I’ve never found myself a part of anything real because I myself have never been real. I’ve always glossed over the bad parts of life, and I want to leave that all behind.

So, without further rambling, here are my blogging goals for the next calendar year:

  • To post at least every other day. Here’s a little secret: I’ve tried blogging daily a few times and it’s never worked. The farthest I got was 95 days in, and then I went on vacation and just stopped for a week. One of my New Years resolutions WILL be to blog daily, because it’s a resolution every year, and every year I fail. But one of these days, I WILL PREVAIL!
  • To get 200 blog followers on WordPress: 200 may seem like a low number to a lot of you, but I’ve been blogging for three years on my other blog and only just reached 100 blog followers. So, to double my readership in less than half the time is a pretty big deal to me.
  • To write honest, true posts as a fucking rule. If my day sucked, you are going to know about it. No more glossing over the bad things (of which there are a lot) so you get some sort of sparkly version of what my life is like. Cause it’s not sparkly.
  • To engage in the community: In the past, I have not been a good blog commenter, but that is changing now. I will comment the shit out of your posts, and I will comment back to you.
  • I will do my best to always be kind: Like I said, you’ll know when I’m pissed off, and I will probably rant like a mofo on certain topics that get me particularly riled up. I have this tendency to not be tactful. I feel like the connection between brain and mouth is thin with this one, if you know what I mean, and I often insult and offend people when I really don’t mean to. So, I’ll do my best to be myself without offending anyone. Tell me, I can’t be the only one with this problem, right?

Five little goals, they look so small here on this little blog post, but think about what your goals mean to you, no matter how big or small they are. If I can accomplish these things in the next year – If I could finally, FINALLY challenge myself to blog daily and keep up with it – that would be mind blowing to me.

What are your blogging goals for the coming year?

Oh Yay, A New Blog

I’ve been saving Janie Doh for when I really needed her. We can get that out of the way right now, my name isn’t really Janie Doh. Wouldn’t that be ridiculous? I am sure that there are some real Jane Doh’s out there, or even possibly some actual Jane Does. But me? I’m just a girl who doesn’t want to share her real name, I’m just a girl who wants a place to write freely and honestly and not worry that my mom or my friends are looking into my little life and worrying about me because of all the crazy you might begin to see here pretty soon.

Yeah, yeah, another anonymous blogger. How original. But you know, I think some of my favorite bloggers are ones who write under fake names that they made up for the same reason I did – because they want to be able to be honest on the internet and not hide any of the things they want to say.

Today though, I don’t have anything too profound. Really, I live a very boring life and maybe that is one reason why I don’t want to write on my real blog anymore – because it’s so boring, and it’s really hard to act like it’s not when people I know are reading.

Don’t you hate that about blogging? The last thing I want is for someone I know “in real life” to come up to me and ask me about something I’ve said on my blog. It’s the absolute pits. It’s like people think I am trying to have this fake self online, when really all I want to do is be authentic and true and just feel like I can’t.

So, a new blog. I do this all the time, I swear, but hopefully this time will be more fun.