Yoohoo! You’re an Idiot!

I’ve always liked waiting tables, I really have. Ever since I started waitressing at IHOP when I was still a teenager I loved the work – being able to see and talk to different people every day, the good fast money, the mindlessness of the job that makes it so low stress for me… I could go on about the things I love about being a waitress, but of course there is something that sucks about waitressing, too: the bad customers.

I had a doozy of a woman in the restaurant tonight, let me tell you.

So I’m going about my business when I see that the two ladies who were sitting at table fifteen were ready to order. I had a few checks to print and drop off, and was planning (I swear!) to go right to their table. Then, I hear: “Yoohoo! Yoohoo! Where’s our server?” And another passing waitress told the woman I would be right over.

I finished what I was doing and then walked up to the table to give my normal “Hi, how are you doing tonight?” to these two older women, and this is what I got from one of the women in return:

“First of all, we’re seniors so we get the discount. Second I would like two eggs. COOKED. Over medium so the whites aren’t runny. I also want an english muffin toasted, and I would like two pieces of bacon. JUST TWO. And the bacon, I want you to make sure it isn’t greasy because sometimes I have to wipe off my bacon with a napkin and I don’t want to have to do that tonight.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding. “Anything else?” (I wish I hadn’t asked.)

“Yes, make sure this comes to under $6.50. Sometimes I come here and people try to charge me more, but I know that what I want with the two pieces of bacon and the senior discount it should be less than $6.50, so don’t charge me for more than two pieces of bacon.”

The woman’s friend, who finally got her chance to order, winked at me and just said: “Fish and chips, please,” like a normal person.

Well, turns out there’s no way, on our computer system, to get everything that woman ordered, PLUS her drink, for less than $6.50. The best I could come up with was $7.03 with the senior discount, but I knew that wasn’t going to cut it. I sent the manager over with the check – I didn’t even want to bother having to explain to the woman all the reasons I failed her.

The manager was over talking to the woman for a long while, and when he finally came back from their table I asked how it went. He smiled evilly and said, “I told her the prices went up.”

I was waiting on another table close by to them when all of a sudden I hear: “Yoohoo! Waitress!” and from the corner of my eye I see her waving her arm up in the air to get my attention when I was quite obviously speaking with other customers. I had to look over and put a “hold on” finger up because she just wouldn’t stop saying “Yoohoo, yoohoo!”

It was unbelievable. She didn’t quite snap her fingers at me, but the “Yoohoo!” was close.

I go right back to her table – and she wants a refill of her coke. Her HALF FILLED glass of coke. Yoohoo, my ass.

Seriously people, there is a lesson in this. When you go out to eat, have some freaking patience with your server. Be aware that you might not be the only customer he or she is waiting on at the moment. Also, when you act like an idiot and beckon to your server like they’re a SERVANT, you’re not just embarrassing yourself, but you’re embarrassing me and every other customer in the restaurant with your bad manners, ESPECIALLY the poor woman who decided to dine with you.



Oh, really? I thought you’d want your food cold.

I’m a waitress, and it is my profession of choice at the moment as I try to write books and publish them. I was unemployed for a while last year and applied only for waitressing jobs because I had done it before and liked the work. Sure, there are some big pitfalls to serving food, but to me the benefits outweigh them. The hours and money are decent, and it’s easy, mindless work. Basically I like having a job where I can just go in, get my work done, and go home. There’s no drama involved, and there’s no worry about what I have to have done for the next day or week or month like there was in my last job that stole my soul away for a while.

However, tonight I had a really bad customer that made me question why I do this.

From the moment this man sat down until the moment he left he wanted to complain about something to me, or had some snarky comment. I had to stand around and listen to his crap for what felt like forever and he was holding meĀ  up all night.

I went up to this man and asked him what he wanted to drink and said “Coffee – but only if it’s hot.”

Same with his food… “It better be hot,” he said.

And I’m like, “No shit. Do you think people come in here asking for tepid coffee and luke warm food?”

Sometimes people say the dumbest things, and I can’t fathom sometimes why miserable people who are so full of complaints even go out to eat in restaurants. Sometimes I think they come out to eat just so they can treat a waitress badly and get a rise out of my misery.

I prevailed in the end, because somehow in the midst of all our shortcomings at the restaurant, he found it within himself to tip me well. Or perhaps he knows that I charge a personal asshole fee to certain customers.

Who knows? I’m just glad this night is over and that Thanksgiving (and an extra day off) is tomorrow.