Sometimes I Feel So…


All I can’ think about is what I am going to write next – and thinking about it, and thinking about it – and not actually WRITING it because I don’t know where to begin and I don’t know where it goes or what it means. I just see little flashes of scenes and characters in my mind and I jot them down in a notebook and go back to daydreaming while I spend hours of my day online reading about other authors who have already published their own books and are living my dream.

It doesn’t exactly do much for the old mental health problems of mine – feeling this way, so stuck and stunted creatively, it’s very hard for me. It makes me have feelings of worthlessness that don’t coincide with a good day, so I haven’t had many good days lately, and so it goes.

But, on the other hand, I’ve also been spending too much time at home on this couch, alone. I haven’t been spending as much time with friends as I usually do – I haven’t been reaching out. I have to remind myself that interacting with other humans is important in the grand scheme of things – that’s what makes a life.

Work was good today, having coffee with Jill was great today, that BBQ chicken and mashed potatoes that I had for dinner was amazing today. Today was a good day. And now this task is done and I am getting back to watching yet another episode of Supernatural because after ignoring it for the last eight or so years I finally started watching it and now I can’t stop. So, more on that later.


Back to Reality… And My Couch

Now that my little Squido is back in school, it’s back to my daily reality.

I get up at 7:30 in the morning to get her ready for school and then I drive her there. I don’t let my little girl ride the bus yet, and I don’t know whether I ever will. I just don’t think school buses are a good environment for children. They are virtually unsupervised, I don’t think they are safe (no seatbelts!!), and most of all, I remember the horrors of riding the bus when I was a kid and I don’t want my daughter to have to go through the teasing and torture that I did when no kind adult was watching.

karlstad-sofa-cover__0142166_PE302116_S4Anyway, after I drop her off at school I usually pick up a coffee and head home. By this time it’s only around 8:45 or 9am, and I have the whole day ahead of me before I have to go in at work around three, if I do work that day.

What do I do all morning? I drink my coffee, sit on my couch, and I write. Usually. If I’m not writing, I’m blogging, reading blogs, reading a book, or THINKING about writing.

My couch is definitely my creative command center. I do my best thinking here, my best writing here, and have finished almost all of my books here.

Today, the first day in almost two weeks that I’ve been back to my morning routine after the holidays, I have already written two blog posts and I’m planning two more – plus I am working on two short fiction pieces to share here as part of writing challenge link ups.

This couch is AWESOME.

What’s On My Mind

WordPress asked me today “What’s on your mind?” and encouraged me to write about what I was thinking when I started this blog. Well, I’ve already done that here, here, and here, all in the last three months, so I am just going to let you go ahead and click on those links if you care to know about that.

What’s really on my mind today? The horrible fact that I haven’t really written anything since finishing my NaNoWriMo novel this November.

Yeah. I’m a writer who hasn’t been writing, and I wish someone would kick me into shape and tell me to JUST WRITE!! But I don’t have anyone around to do that for me. I think I need a life coach sometimes, or at least just a writing coach or writing buddy – someone to hold me accountable for a word count and make sure I am still producing fiction even if there isn’t really anything BIG that I am working on at the time.

I created Janie Doh to be a place to spill my guts – whatever is on my mind. I haven’t been doing that though, because if I really did that every day, you would be reading post consisting of:

I’m not writing. I’m not writing. I’m not writing.

And it would be horrible and no one would come back.

But alas, that is the truth of it. I am determined not only to WRITE another novel this year, but to publish one too. That is a big feat, getting something written and published in a year. Four days in and I’m already freaking out that I won’t finish this project on time – freaking out – and I am not even working on anything yet.

The thing is, I just don’t know what I want to write about. I have had a big vampire epic in my head for years, but I am not sure where to begin. It’s a pain in my ass.

In the meantime, I might start posting some fiction here and doing some online writing challenges like I did on my old blog. Hopefully I won’t scare anyone away by turning into a niche writing blogger, but what happens will happen, I suppose.

Welcome 2014

keep-calm-and-welcome-2014I can’t tell you how happy I am to welcome the New Year. For me, 2013 SUUUUUUCKED, and I am so glad that it’s over.

I was talking with my friend C. tonight about how, with the exception of a few weeks in the summer and my trip to Arizona, the whole year blew. At least I am able to hold on to a few good things, but overall I am more than ready to put this past year behind me and begin anew.

I am not so big on resolutions because I never keep them, but there are a few things I intend to do this year:

  • Publish a novel
  • Blog daily
  • Quit smoking

Those are big, BIG intentions, guys. And honestly, blogging daily is probably going to be the hardest thing, but here I am, starting today.

Quit smoking? Yeah, I have to do that. Also going to attempt to start that today – I didn’t buy a new pack on the way home last night and I am down to one cigarette left. Will I hold on to it for an emergency, have it in the morning, wait til the afternoon? I don’t know, but I am already obsessing about that last cigarette, so you all are going to have to help me through this.

And oh, publishing a novel. A novel that I haven’t written yet. I guess I better get on that.

Welcome, 2014!! I have big dreams and intentions for you, so I hope you are good to me this time around the sun.